I've had a mentally crazy time these 2 days. Both yesterday and today were very spiritually soothing days. So I must warn you, if reading about my faith disturbs you, you should read no more as this may offend you. So tune in tomorrow! =) I know if I were someone else reading this, I may think I was insane... ; ) Also, today's blog will be long and a bit more "unstructured". Please note that I am not Catholic, but a faithful Christian.
This part of my journey was triggered last Friday when God invited me to return to the place where I first met God. In high school, a friend of mine was Catholic. I knew God existed, but I didn't know much more than that. My friend took me to few masses and to a beautiful cathedral downtown, the Holy Rosary Cathedral. This place took my breath away. The intricate artwork is amazing, but it wasn't the art that fascinated me. It was the extreme sense of peace and tranquility this place gave me. This was how I imagined it would feel like if God were in the room! So needless to say, at that moment in my life, this cathedral became my special place.
However, it wasn't until my 2nd year at UBC that I knew God was very present in my life. I was overwhelmed with academics and the financial burden of paying for university. My father was in the process of losing of his best friend and both of my parents were putting a lot of pressure on me. I didn't know what I wanted to be anymore. I was so confused. So I volunteered a lot and I worked a lot. But I came to a "breaking point" and I decided to pray to God and return to my special place. As I prayed, the tears erupted and I felt the burden literally lift from my shoulders... I knew He was not "absent", but very present. This was not the only time God intervened to comfort me here... funny now that I think about this... I should have had my wedding here =)
Last Friday, I stayed home... mainly because I promised my husband that I wouldn't go anywhere and just rest. But I promised myself that I would go downtown on Monday... but before I go into that I wanted to tell you about yesterday.
After I dropped off my husband, I actually debated if I should attend church... bad, I know. But I did feel Him calling me. The sermon was absolutely relevant. God "brackets" our life. Every tragedy, every blessing... He is there like a parent. He is there at the beginning and there at the end. We often feel that He is absent, but He is standing by ready to catch us when we fall. This reminds me of the Footprints poem (my favourite one). I became very humbled yesterday. Then when I heard the news about a pastor's tragic loss of his son, I realized how little my problem was... how little my pain was in comparison... One of the lines of the worship song was "I know a love greater than life itself..." How lucky I am to know that Christ died for me and that my husband would do the same in a heart beat...
This morning as I headed to my spiritual sanctuary, there were many events that I didn't plan for.
I was greeted by my neighbour, who was motioning me towards her. She told me that she couldn't get to the door in time to catch the mailman. The mailman was about half way down the block and she asked me to chase him down because she left her front door open and didn't bring her keys out with her. Luckily, the mailman was able to hear our screams and stopped so that I could sign her package for her. Because I decided to take public transit downtown, I decided to use this trip time as "spiritual meditation" time. On my bus ride, I became very aware of the emotions and feelings of people on the streets and on the bus. I felt a sense of duty to do God's work. I kind of fell off the band wagon a few years ago and I know that I have been recently making changes to get back on, but today, I know that I need to make it a priority.
Anyhow, I got off the bus and as I waited for the light to change on Richards and Hastings, a lady walked up to me and asked for directions. I didn't quite understand where she wanted to go, so I asked if she had an address. To which, she said no. Because we were just outside of SFU- Harbour Centre, I told her to go to the desk and ask the receptionist to find the address of the place (via internet). To my surprise, she told me she was scared and if I would help her.
So, I did. I soon realized that she was looking for a notary public. So with the help of the receptionist at SFU, we found the closest one. She looked at me and asked if I could walk her there. Of course, I did. During our 2 block walk, in her broken English, she told me that she lived in Surrey and she needed to have her divorce certificate notarized. Her ex-husband was in India. I am certain she wanted to tell me more, but language was a barrier. But I could see the fear and feel her pain. For a split second, I thought about calling one of my Punjabi/Hindi speaking friends... but decided not to.
At the notary's office, I had to explain why I was with this woman. The notary gave me a smile and said, "So you just met? You're just being a good Samaritan?" (As if it were a bad thing...) Until that moment, I didn't really consider myself being a good Samaritan; I just wanted to help because that's what I would want if I were in her shoes. We exited the building together and she hugged me goodbye, thanked me and I believe blessed me in her language... I was glad that I was able to be her angel today...
So now I was back on my journey to the cathedral. When I was just across the street, I was excited and anxious, like I was going to meet a friend I hadn't seen in a while. I speak to God all the time, but this was different. As I entered, I realised I had made it just in time for mass at noon. Unfortunately, I only understood 10% of the service. The father was German and had a very strong accent. However, I did enjoy communion. I remember standing in line for communion and watching a lady after receiving her wafer head toward a beautiful statue of Jesus. She put her hand on his heart and then into his outstretched hand and then to her lips. I felt her love towards Him. Then I recalled looking around the santuary and the people in it. Some had come dressed on designer clothing, clutching a designer purse and wearing designer glasses. Some were dressed in business attire, here on their lunch break, some were tourists, and some were clearly homeless.
It was at this point after I had returned to the pew to kneel down and bow my head that I was able to concentrate and to let it all out. How blessed am I? I am very blessed! How dare I think only about myself and my sadness, which really doesn't compare to much of the pain and suffering in this world? So I let my tears run, my tears of guilt and pain, run into His hands... what a relief it was for me... to let it go...
As I left, I looked at the prayer candles and promised that I would return to light one with my husband when he comes back from his business trip. I want to light the candle in memory of our last embryo from our last IVF cycle. To us, that embryo was a child, a child unborn to this world.
A group of my friends had asked me to join them for a BBQ tonight. They are friends that I grew up with, but because of my fertility issues, I withdrew from. For the past few years, I just couldn't bare seeing another baby, even family gatherings were hard on me. I didn't hate God, but I often questioned, " Why? What did I do wrong? Why have you given this as my test of faith?"
I thought time would heal me. I thought IVF would be the answer. But I haven't gone much further because I never really faced the pain until this month... and even to let go of the burden of guilt I harbour deep within me until this morning. I used to hate it when people told me to relax, what's the rush, it'll happen, there's always next month. There's always adoption. Yes, I know that they are just trying to comfort me. But, this advice comes from people who don't know the pain. They think they are comforting, but instead they are driving the dagger deep into my bleeding heart. At Genesis, we were reading an article about appropriate etiquette when talking to couples who are experiencing fertility issues: it says, "Would you tell a breast cancer patient, 'It's OK. We'll just get you a new breast.' So why would you tell someone who can't have kids of their own to adopt. Funny, when it's put in that light.... =)
Oh well, I thought I would be strong enough to go enjoy my friends' company tonight. But with my emotionally instabililty, I did not feel right to burden them with my insecurities and sadness. I also know I am not ready to face my demons full force... yet... So friends, please do not take my absence tonight as an offence. I will be back one day... =)
Well, that's enough writing for today.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment