I had a relatively relaxing day. I bought more tea... yes, again...saving it for later when I can enjoy it without any guilt. I had a great facial but a less relaxing foot massage. I am not into pain and this foot massage was a "therapeutic" foot massage using reflexology. I was actually quite stressed and kept the massuse relatively entertained. He told me to close my eyes and that laughing would not make the process less painful... =)
I accidentally scratched one of the mag wheels of my "new" vehicle... =( I was not a happy camper. My husband also called to tell me that the job he was keen on getting could only interview him today... not possible since he's in Chicago... =( Better luck next time...
Yesterday, I decided to look up the definition of being pregnant. According to ARDictionary:
Pregnancy 1Definition: The condition of being pregnant; the state of being with young.
This made me laugh... I originally read it as "state of being young" ... =) Jeez, that would make us all pregnant!
pregnancy 3Definition: the state of being pregnant; the period from conception to birth when a woman carries a developing fetus in her uterus
Based on this definition (3) I am technically pregnant. Yet, I am not excited. I am terrified. I'm doing my best to not really think about it, but it's difficult. I feel like I'm in a weird position. Most women wait for take a pregnancy test to see if they "conceived", yet, I will be taking a pregnancy test to see if my embryo will still be alive... I am essentailly waiting for the news of a miscarriage. Sad, really because this is truly looking at the glass half empty.
I also had implantation bleeding during my last IVF cycle, so I am wondering if I'll have that indication again this time. Looking back at my calendar, implantation bleeding happened on Embryo Day 11... our miscarriage last time happened on Friday the 13th, ironic, heh? =)
OK... time to submerse in positive thoughts... love my dog. He is so sweet and odd! He sleeps in the oddest positions, legs crossed or on his back!
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Embryo Day 9, July 30, 2009
Lost my blog entry from last night... wireless internet router went down when I went to publish my post...
The past few days have been relatively boring =) I took Tiger to Granville Island with my sister. I took some fabulous pictures with my phone. I haven't quite figured out how to export the photos directly to my computer w/o e-mailing them to my account. You would think there'd be some USB adaptor...
I spent most of one evening updating my husband's resume and cover letter for another job opportunity. He's really excited about this one. He is definitely in need of a change.
With this sweltering heat, I have felt extremely lazy. I've only gone out to water my flowers and take Tiger on short walks. Even Tiger doesn't want to walk! We endured the hottest day ever recorded in Vancouver yesterday, 33.8C.... Wow!
I was watching the news and there are "sprinkler patrollers" in Delta. I'm pretty sure we'll be getting some too. I haven't turned on my sprinkler for a few days... guess I won't be able to... just have to stand out there and fry! Thank goodness my husband isn't here to endure this heat. He would be whining like crazy! =)
I'm looking forward to my facial and foot massage tomorrow afternoon.
The past few days have been relatively boring =) I took Tiger to Granville Island with my sister. I took some fabulous pictures with my phone. I haven't quite figured out how to export the photos directly to my computer w/o e-mailing them to my account. You would think there'd be some USB adaptor...
I spent most of one evening updating my husband's resume and cover letter for another job opportunity. He's really excited about this one. He is definitely in need of a change.
With this sweltering heat, I have felt extremely lazy. I've only gone out to water my flowers and take Tiger on short walks. Even Tiger doesn't want to walk! We endured the hottest day ever recorded in Vancouver yesterday, 33.8C.... Wow!
I was watching the news and there are "sprinkler patrollers" in Delta. I'm pretty sure we'll be getting some too. I haven't turned on my sprinkler for a few days... guess I won't be able to... just have to stand out there and fry! Thank goodness my husband isn't here to endure this heat. He would be whining like crazy! =)
I'm looking forward to my facial and foot massage tomorrow afternoon.
Monday, July 27, 2009
Embryo Day 6, July 27, 2009
I've had a mentally crazy time these 2 days. Both yesterday and today were very spiritually soothing days. So I must warn you, if reading about my faith disturbs you, you should read no more as this may offend you. So tune in tomorrow! =) I know if I were someone else reading this, I may think I was insane... ; ) Also, today's blog will be long and a bit more "unstructured". Please note that I am not Catholic, but a faithful Christian.
This part of my journey was triggered last Friday when God invited me to return to the place where I first met God. In high school, a friend of mine was Catholic. I knew God existed, but I didn't know much more than that. My friend took me to few masses and to a beautiful cathedral downtown, the Holy Rosary Cathedral. This place took my breath away. The intricate artwork is amazing, but it wasn't the art that fascinated me. It was the extreme sense of peace and tranquility this place gave me. This was how I imagined it would feel like if God were in the room! So needless to say, at that moment in my life, this cathedral became my special place.
However, it wasn't until my 2nd year at UBC that I knew God was very present in my life. I was overwhelmed with academics and the financial burden of paying for university. My father was in the process of losing of his best friend and both of my parents were putting a lot of pressure on me. I didn't know what I wanted to be anymore. I was so confused. So I volunteered a lot and I worked a lot. But I came to a "breaking point" and I decided to pray to God and return to my special place. As I prayed, the tears erupted and I felt the burden literally lift from my shoulders... I knew He was not "absent", but very present. This was not the only time God intervened to comfort me here... funny now that I think about this... I should have had my wedding here =)
Last Friday, I stayed home... mainly because I promised my husband that I wouldn't go anywhere and just rest. But I promised myself that I would go downtown on Monday... but before I go into that I wanted to tell you about yesterday.
After I dropped off my husband, I actually debated if I should attend church... bad, I know. But I did feel Him calling me. The sermon was absolutely relevant. God "brackets" our life. Every tragedy, every blessing... He is there like a parent. He is there at the beginning and there at the end. We often feel that He is absent, but He is standing by ready to catch us when we fall. This reminds me of the Footprints poem (my favourite one). I became very humbled yesterday. Then when I heard the news about a pastor's tragic loss of his son, I realized how little my problem was... how little my pain was in comparison... One of the lines of the worship song was "I know a love greater than life itself..." How lucky I am to know that Christ died for me and that my husband would do the same in a heart beat...
This morning as I headed to my spiritual sanctuary, there were many events that I didn't plan for.
I was greeted by my neighbour, who was motioning me towards her. She told me that she couldn't get to the door in time to catch the mailman. The mailman was about half way down the block and she asked me to chase him down because she left her front door open and didn't bring her keys out with her. Luckily, the mailman was able to hear our screams and stopped so that I could sign her package for her. Because I decided to take public transit downtown, I decided to use this trip time as "spiritual meditation" time. On my bus ride, I became very aware of the emotions and feelings of people on the streets and on the bus. I felt a sense of duty to do God's work. I kind of fell off the band wagon a few years ago and I know that I have been recently making changes to get back on, but today, I know that I need to make it a priority.
Anyhow, I got off the bus and as I waited for the light to change on Richards and Hastings, a lady walked up to me and asked for directions. I didn't quite understand where she wanted to go, so I asked if she had an address. To which, she said no. Because we were just outside of SFU- Harbour Centre, I told her to go to the desk and ask the receptionist to find the address of the place (via internet). To my surprise, she told me she was scared and if I would help her.
So, I did. I soon realized that she was looking for a notary public. So with the help of the receptionist at SFU, we found the closest one. She looked at me and asked if I could walk her there. Of course, I did. During our 2 block walk, in her broken English, she told me that she lived in Surrey and she needed to have her divorce certificate notarized. Her ex-husband was in India. I am certain she wanted to tell me more, but language was a barrier. But I could see the fear and feel her pain. For a split second, I thought about calling one of my Punjabi/Hindi speaking friends... but decided not to.
At the notary's office, I had to explain why I was with this woman. The notary gave me a smile and said, "So you just met? You're just being a good Samaritan?" (As if it were a bad thing...) Until that moment, I didn't really consider myself being a good Samaritan; I just wanted to help because that's what I would want if I were in her shoes. We exited the building together and she hugged me goodbye, thanked me and I believe blessed me in her language... I was glad that I was able to be her angel today...
So now I was back on my journey to the cathedral. When I was just across the street, I was excited and anxious, like I was going to meet a friend I hadn't seen in a while. I speak to God all the time, but this was different. As I entered, I realised I had made it just in time for mass at noon. Unfortunately, I only understood 10% of the service. The father was German and had a very strong accent. However, I did enjoy communion. I remember standing in line for communion and watching a lady after receiving her wafer head toward a beautiful statue of Jesus. She put her hand on his heart and then into his outstretched hand and then to her lips. I felt her love towards Him. Then I recalled looking around the santuary and the people in it. Some had come dressed on designer clothing, clutching a designer purse and wearing designer glasses. Some were dressed in business attire, here on their lunch break, some were tourists, and some were clearly homeless.
It was at this point after I had returned to the pew to kneel down and bow my head that I was able to concentrate and to let it all out. How blessed am I? I am very blessed! How dare I think only about myself and my sadness, which really doesn't compare to much of the pain and suffering in this world? So I let my tears run, my tears of guilt and pain, run into His hands... what a relief it was for me... to let it go...
As I left, I looked at the prayer candles and promised that I would return to light one with my husband when he comes back from his business trip. I want to light the candle in memory of our last embryo from our last IVF cycle. To us, that embryo was a child, a child unborn to this world.
A group of my friends had asked me to join them for a BBQ tonight. They are friends that I grew up with, but because of my fertility issues, I withdrew from. For the past few years, I just couldn't bare seeing another baby, even family gatherings were hard on me. I didn't hate God, but I often questioned, " Why? What did I do wrong? Why have you given this as my test of faith?"
I thought time would heal me. I thought IVF would be the answer. But I haven't gone much further because I never really faced the pain until this month... and even to let go of the burden of guilt I harbour deep within me until this morning. I used to hate it when people told me to relax, what's the rush, it'll happen, there's always next month. There's always adoption. Yes, I know that they are just trying to comfort me. But, this advice comes from people who don't know the pain. They think they are comforting, but instead they are driving the dagger deep into my bleeding heart. At Genesis, we were reading an article about appropriate etiquette when talking to couples who are experiencing fertility issues: it says, "Would you tell a breast cancer patient, 'It's OK. We'll just get you a new breast.' So why would you tell someone who can't have kids of their own to adopt. Funny, when it's put in that light.... =)
Oh well, I thought I would be strong enough to go enjoy my friends' company tonight. But with my emotionally instabililty, I did not feel right to burden them with my insecurities and sadness. I also know I am not ready to face my demons full force... yet... So friends, please do not take my absence tonight as an offence. I will be back one day... =)
Well, that's enough writing for today.
This part of my journey was triggered last Friday when God invited me to return to the place where I first met God. In high school, a friend of mine was Catholic. I knew God existed, but I didn't know much more than that. My friend took me to few masses and to a beautiful cathedral downtown, the Holy Rosary Cathedral. This place took my breath away. The intricate artwork is amazing, but it wasn't the art that fascinated me. It was the extreme sense of peace and tranquility this place gave me. This was how I imagined it would feel like if God were in the room! So needless to say, at that moment in my life, this cathedral became my special place.
However, it wasn't until my 2nd year at UBC that I knew God was very present in my life. I was overwhelmed with academics and the financial burden of paying for university. My father was in the process of losing of his best friend and both of my parents were putting a lot of pressure on me. I didn't know what I wanted to be anymore. I was so confused. So I volunteered a lot and I worked a lot. But I came to a "breaking point" and I decided to pray to God and return to my special place. As I prayed, the tears erupted and I felt the burden literally lift from my shoulders... I knew He was not "absent", but very present. This was not the only time God intervened to comfort me here... funny now that I think about this... I should have had my wedding here =)
Last Friday, I stayed home... mainly because I promised my husband that I wouldn't go anywhere and just rest. But I promised myself that I would go downtown on Monday... but before I go into that I wanted to tell you about yesterday.
After I dropped off my husband, I actually debated if I should attend church... bad, I know. But I did feel Him calling me. The sermon was absolutely relevant. God "brackets" our life. Every tragedy, every blessing... He is there like a parent. He is there at the beginning and there at the end. We often feel that He is absent, but He is standing by ready to catch us when we fall. This reminds me of the Footprints poem (my favourite one). I became very humbled yesterday. Then when I heard the news about a pastor's tragic loss of his son, I realized how little my problem was... how little my pain was in comparison... One of the lines of the worship song was "I know a love greater than life itself..." How lucky I am to know that Christ died for me and that my husband would do the same in a heart beat...
This morning as I headed to my spiritual sanctuary, there were many events that I didn't plan for.
I was greeted by my neighbour, who was motioning me towards her. She told me that she couldn't get to the door in time to catch the mailman. The mailman was about half way down the block and she asked me to chase him down because she left her front door open and didn't bring her keys out with her. Luckily, the mailman was able to hear our screams and stopped so that I could sign her package for her. Because I decided to take public transit downtown, I decided to use this trip time as "spiritual meditation" time. On my bus ride, I became very aware of the emotions and feelings of people on the streets and on the bus. I felt a sense of duty to do God's work. I kind of fell off the band wagon a few years ago and I know that I have been recently making changes to get back on, but today, I know that I need to make it a priority.
Anyhow, I got off the bus and as I waited for the light to change on Richards and Hastings, a lady walked up to me and asked for directions. I didn't quite understand where she wanted to go, so I asked if she had an address. To which, she said no. Because we were just outside of SFU- Harbour Centre, I told her to go to the desk and ask the receptionist to find the address of the place (via internet). To my surprise, she told me she was scared and if I would help her.
So, I did. I soon realized that she was looking for a notary public. So with the help of the receptionist at SFU, we found the closest one. She looked at me and asked if I could walk her there. Of course, I did. During our 2 block walk, in her broken English, she told me that she lived in Surrey and she needed to have her divorce certificate notarized. Her ex-husband was in India. I am certain she wanted to tell me more, but language was a barrier. But I could see the fear and feel her pain. For a split second, I thought about calling one of my Punjabi/Hindi speaking friends... but decided not to.
At the notary's office, I had to explain why I was with this woman. The notary gave me a smile and said, "So you just met? You're just being a good Samaritan?" (As if it were a bad thing...) Until that moment, I didn't really consider myself being a good Samaritan; I just wanted to help because that's what I would want if I were in her shoes. We exited the building together and she hugged me goodbye, thanked me and I believe blessed me in her language... I was glad that I was able to be her angel today...
So now I was back on my journey to the cathedral. When I was just across the street, I was excited and anxious, like I was going to meet a friend I hadn't seen in a while. I speak to God all the time, but this was different. As I entered, I realised I had made it just in time for mass at noon. Unfortunately, I only understood 10% of the service. The father was German and had a very strong accent. However, I did enjoy communion. I remember standing in line for communion and watching a lady after receiving her wafer head toward a beautiful statue of Jesus. She put her hand on his heart and then into his outstretched hand and then to her lips. I felt her love towards Him. Then I recalled looking around the santuary and the people in it. Some had come dressed on designer clothing, clutching a designer purse and wearing designer glasses. Some were dressed in business attire, here on their lunch break, some were tourists, and some were clearly homeless.
It was at this point after I had returned to the pew to kneel down and bow my head that I was able to concentrate and to let it all out. How blessed am I? I am very blessed! How dare I think only about myself and my sadness, which really doesn't compare to much of the pain and suffering in this world? So I let my tears run, my tears of guilt and pain, run into His hands... what a relief it was for me... to let it go...
As I left, I looked at the prayer candles and promised that I would return to light one with my husband when he comes back from his business trip. I want to light the candle in memory of our last embryo from our last IVF cycle. To us, that embryo was a child, a child unborn to this world.
A group of my friends had asked me to join them for a BBQ tonight. They are friends that I grew up with, but because of my fertility issues, I withdrew from. For the past few years, I just couldn't bare seeing another baby, even family gatherings were hard on me. I didn't hate God, but I often questioned, " Why? What did I do wrong? Why have you given this as my test of faith?"
I thought time would heal me. I thought IVF would be the answer. But I haven't gone much further because I never really faced the pain until this month... and even to let go of the burden of guilt I harbour deep within me until this morning. I used to hate it when people told me to relax, what's the rush, it'll happen, there's always next month. There's always adoption. Yes, I know that they are just trying to comfort me. But, this advice comes from people who don't know the pain. They think they are comforting, but instead they are driving the dagger deep into my bleeding heart. At Genesis, we were reading an article about appropriate etiquette when talking to couples who are experiencing fertility issues: it says, "Would you tell a breast cancer patient, 'It's OK. We'll just get you a new breast.' So why would you tell someone who can't have kids of their own to adopt. Funny, when it's put in that light.... =)
Oh well, I thought I would be strong enough to go enjoy my friends' company tonight. But with my emotionally instabililty, I did not feel right to burden them with my insecurities and sadness. I also know I am not ready to face my demons full force... yet... So friends, please do not take my absence tonight as an offence. I will be back one day... =)
Well, that's enough writing for today.
Saturday, July 25, 2009
Embryo Day 4 - July 25
I feel like time has stood still. I can't believe that it's only been 2 days since the embryo transfer... it feels like a week has passed by already...
I spent a few hours downloading French cartoons for school and pulled out some of my resources to plan my LA program for most of the morning yesterday. Then I watched some TV and worked on my cross stitch. I went to Costco and T&T with my mom last night and told her that I was carrying an embryo. She immediately told me what I could and couldn't eat! So much for indulging myself with tropical fruit... =)
Today, my hubby and I are going to make chicken wellington. We had great success making salmon wellington on Thursday night so we thought we'd be a bit creative to make use of our left over pastry and salmon mousse and mushroom duxelle. My husband had salmon wellington for the first time 2 weeks ago at the Cannery and he found the recipe on their webpage. So if you love salmon in a puff pastry with pinot noir sauce, this is the dish for you!
Our embryo should be at the 12-16 cell stage. I have been enduring periodic abdominal cramps since egg retrieval on Tuesday. The nurses told me it would be OK to take Tylenol for pain relief, but I figured that it would be best if lay off any meds unless it becomes excruciatingly painful.
I haven't done much today. It's really too hot to go for a walk mid day, maybe later tonight.
Our parrot fish has been acting strange. We originally had a pair of parrot fish and 2 palm bichers. After 2 weeks, the parrot fish lay eggs and the 2 of them became very aggressive! They killed my 2 bichers... =( We decided to give away one of the parrot fish to stop the egg laying. She's been fine for the last 3 months until yesterday... She has been standing up to the arowana, is digging up the rock base and trying to kick out all the fish who live in the log cave. It looks like she wants to lay eggs, but why? She has no mate!!!
My husband is leaving for work in the US tomorrow morning for 10 days. I'm thinking about what I will do to pass the time on my own...
I spent a few hours downloading French cartoons for school and pulled out some of my resources to plan my LA program for most of the morning yesterday. Then I watched some TV and worked on my cross stitch. I went to Costco and T&T with my mom last night and told her that I was carrying an embryo. She immediately told me what I could and couldn't eat! So much for indulging myself with tropical fruit... =)
Today, my hubby and I are going to make chicken wellington. We had great success making salmon wellington on Thursday night so we thought we'd be a bit creative to make use of our left over pastry and salmon mousse and mushroom duxelle. My husband had salmon wellington for the first time 2 weeks ago at the Cannery and he found the recipe on their webpage. So if you love salmon in a puff pastry with pinot noir sauce, this is the dish for you!
Our embryo should be at the 12-16 cell stage. I have been enduring periodic abdominal cramps since egg retrieval on Tuesday. The nurses told me it would be OK to take Tylenol for pain relief, but I figured that it would be best if lay off any meds unless it becomes excruciatingly painful.
I haven't done much today. It's really too hot to go for a walk mid day, maybe later tonight.
Our parrot fish has been acting strange. We originally had a pair of parrot fish and 2 palm bichers. After 2 weeks, the parrot fish lay eggs and the 2 of them became very aggressive! They killed my 2 bichers... =( We decided to give away one of the parrot fish to stop the egg laying. She's been fine for the last 3 months until yesterday... She has been standing up to the arowana, is digging up the rock base and trying to kick out all the fish who live in the log cave. It looks like she wants to lay eggs, but why? She has no mate!!!
My husband is leaving for work in the US tomorrow morning for 10 days. I'm thinking about what I will do to pass the time on my own...
Thursday, July 23, 2009
Cycle Day 16 - July 23, 2009
Yesterday during lunch, my husband decided to make a personal committment to God just as I have these past few weeks. My committment was to not eat meat for breakfast and lunch and he has decided to not make cursive remarks (i.e. swear). Over the course of the past few years, he has developed a potty mouth. So his personal committment will be a difficult one for him.
I didn't sleep well last night. I was too nervous about today's outcome. Now with our trip to Genesis this morning. Yesterday we had the estatic news of having all 3 of our eggs fertilize. Being as scared as we are, we want to be prepared for the worst news: what if all of the eggs stopped growing...
Well after 24 hours, only 1 of the 3 eggs continued to grow to its 4 cell stage. We were disappointed, but still glad that we still have at least 1 embryo to transfer. However, this puts us in the same scenario as our last IVF cycle. 1 embryo transfer on Day 2... deja vue... and here on in is where the roller coaster of emotions will begin...
The nurse told us that we could use an OTC pregnancy test on Aug 6th. Anything before then would be relatively inaccurate. They have scheduled a blood test for me on August 7th. This is by far the worst part of the pregnancy journey, these next 2 weeks.
I didn't sleep well last night. I was too nervous about today's outcome. Now with our trip to Genesis this morning. Yesterday we had the estatic news of having all 3 of our eggs fertilize. Being as scared as we are, we want to be prepared for the worst news: what if all of the eggs stopped growing...
Well after 24 hours, only 1 of the 3 eggs continued to grow to its 4 cell stage. We were disappointed, but still glad that we still have at least 1 embryo to transfer. However, this puts us in the same scenario as our last IVF cycle. 1 embryo transfer on Day 2... deja vue... and here on in is where the roller coaster of emotions will begin...
The nurse told us that we could use an OTC pregnancy test on Aug 6th. Anything before then would be relatively inaccurate. They have scheduled a blood test for me on August 7th. This is by far the worst part of the pregnancy journey, these next 2 weeks.
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Cycle Day 15 - July 22, 2009
Before the Call from Genesis
I know that I should be "relaxed" and put all my worries in God's hands. It's easier said than done. My mind is constantly whizzing with thoughts. In our last cycle, there was the element of the unknown and "hope". This time round, the odds of having a child are the same as last time... 3 good eggs. In our last cycle, only 1 of 3 eggs fertilized. We were hoping for more this time to increase the chances of having fertilized eggs. I don't want to admit defeat, but there is already a part of me that is mentally aching.
***************************************************************
At 10:30 this morning, a nurse from Genesis called us. It's amazing how much words can affect you. She gave us fantastic news! All 3 of our eggs fertilized! Hallelujah!!! We were ecstatic! I have to be at the clinic at 10am for embryo transfer tomorrow. The embryos were at the 1 cell stage when they called me. Tomorrow when I arrive at the clinic, they will tell me the cell stage and egg grade (quality). All 3 embryos will be transfered if all of them are exhibiting normal growth.
Once again, I am excited but at the same time scared that some of the embryos may stop growing. If I had more eggs, egg transfer would have happened on Friday (Day 3:4-8 cell stage). A Day 3 transfer means a "stronger embryo", which has a greater probability of leading to a full term pregnancy. Regardless, I am grateful for the positive news thus far.
I know that I should be "relaxed" and put all my worries in God's hands. It's easier said than done. My mind is constantly whizzing with thoughts. In our last cycle, there was the element of the unknown and "hope". This time round, the odds of having a child are the same as last time... 3 good eggs. In our last cycle, only 1 of 3 eggs fertilized. We were hoping for more this time to increase the chances of having fertilized eggs. I don't want to admit defeat, but there is already a part of me that is mentally aching.
***************************************************************
At 10:30 this morning, a nurse from Genesis called us. It's amazing how much words can affect you. She gave us fantastic news! All 3 of our eggs fertilized! Hallelujah!!! We were ecstatic! I have to be at the clinic at 10am for embryo transfer tomorrow. The embryos were at the 1 cell stage when they called me. Tomorrow when I arrive at the clinic, they will tell me the cell stage and egg grade (quality). All 3 embryos will be transfered if all of them are exhibiting normal growth.
Once again, I am excited but at the same time scared that some of the embryos may stop growing. If I had more eggs, egg transfer would have happened on Friday (Day 3:4-8 cell stage). A Day 3 transfer means a "stronger embryo", which has a greater probability of leading to a full term pregnancy. Regardless, I am grateful for the positive news thus far.
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
Cycle Day 14 - July 21, 2009
I'm still under the influence of the meds from this morning. I slept a lot today. Can you believe that someone STOLE one of my plants in my front yard this morning? I'm quite ticked, especially since this was a gift from my tenant, a unique flowering plant that I actually planted into the ground! AARRRGGGGH!
I think I'm going to put a sign in my yard that says: Please enjoy my garden with your eyes only.
Events at Genesis this morning. I was given some pain killers, muscle relaxant, an IV and something that made me extremely drowsy. The insertion of the IV needle was by far the worse thing that happened to me today. I went in hoping of more eggs this time, especially since I had a few more follicles. Unfortunately, even with 6 follicles, there were only 3 eggs. The other follicles were empty. The eggs were kept in media until 4pm today before their outer sheaths were removed for grading. After the eggs are graded, ICSI, is performed to inject sperm into each egg.
If the eggs are mature, fertilization will take place and cell division will occur. Genesis will call us tomorrow to tell us how many eggs were fertilized and when the embryos can be implanted back into me.
Feelings today: There was a part of me that was devastated when they told me there were only 3 eggs. What if none of them fertilize? The nurse brought tears to my eyes because she reminded us to not worry about the IVF outcome, but that the most important thing is how much we love each other.
We went to Cloud 9 Revolving Restaurant for dinner tonight. The view was great. Food was OK. Going to bed now.
I think I'm going to put a sign in my yard that says: Please enjoy my garden with your eyes only.
Events at Genesis this morning. I was given some pain killers, muscle relaxant, an IV and something that made me extremely drowsy. The insertion of the IV needle was by far the worse thing that happened to me today. I went in hoping of more eggs this time, especially since I had a few more follicles. Unfortunately, even with 6 follicles, there were only 3 eggs. The other follicles were empty. The eggs were kept in media until 4pm today before their outer sheaths were removed for grading. After the eggs are graded, ICSI, is performed to inject sperm into each egg.
If the eggs are mature, fertilization will take place and cell division will occur. Genesis will call us tomorrow to tell us how many eggs were fertilized and when the embryos can be implanted back into me.
Feelings today: There was a part of me that was devastated when they told me there were only 3 eggs. What if none of them fertilize? The nurse brought tears to my eyes because she reminded us to not worry about the IVF outcome, but that the most important thing is how much we love each other.
We went to Cloud 9 Revolving Restaurant for dinner tonight. The view was great. Food was OK. Going to bed now.
Monday, July 20, 2009
Cycle Day 13 - July 20, 2009
Wow! I forgot what it felt like to not "have to shoot up"! Even my husband's having "needle withdrawal"... =)
I decided to go and set up the student desks in my classroom... yes, I know... I'm a loser... last thing I should be doing is going to "work".
I didn't do much else today besides take Tiger to Tisol and check out another used fish tank. This tank was actually pretty awesome. Actually, the whole tank set up was quite extreme. I'm not a fish expert, but was the tank owner ever passionate about fish!
Getting myself mentally prepped for our big day tomorrow, egg harvesting and fertilization.
I decided to go and set up the student desks in my classroom... yes, I know... I'm a loser... last thing I should be doing is going to "work".
I didn't do much else today besides take Tiger to Tisol and check out another used fish tank. This tank was actually pretty awesome. Actually, the whole tank set up was quite extreme. I'm not a fish expert, but was the tank owner ever passionate about fish!
Getting myself mentally prepped for our big day tomorrow, egg harvesting and fertilization.
Sunday, July 19, 2009
Cycle Day 12 - July 19, 2009
Based on my ultrasound today, I have 5 good follicles and 2 smaller follicles. My follicles/eggs will be harvested on Tuesday. I was asked to take 1 more dose of Gonal F when I went home. Because I don't have 225uL in 1 pen, I had to combine the residual amounts left from my 4 pens. So I had to take 5 shots this morning (1 lupron; 4 Gonal F). We decided to camcord this last set of shots... it's actually quite funny =)
I will also have to take one more shot tonight of HCG at 11:30pm. This is timed to coincide with egg extraction on Tuesday. I'm excited and terrified at the same time. I am hoping that we will have 5 good eggs to work with. Last time, we only had 3.
I didn't do too much today. We ended up test driving some hybrid cars because my husband's car lease is up this November. So far, we really like the 2010 Toyota Prius.
I will have to take Tiger to the vet tomorrow because we discovered a lump on his collar bone. He had a cyst removed by his throat about a month ago. Hopefully this is nothing serious.
My left leg is aching from my 3 most recent mosquito bites. I normally take an antihistimine to bring down the swelling, but because of the IVF drugs, I have refrained. My leg has even been numb a few times today!
I will also have to take one more shot tonight of HCG at 11:30pm. This is timed to coincide with egg extraction on Tuesday. I'm excited and terrified at the same time. I am hoping that we will have 5 good eggs to work with. Last time, we only had 3.
I didn't do too much today. We ended up test driving some hybrid cars because my husband's car lease is up this November. So far, we really like the 2010 Toyota Prius.
I will have to take Tiger to the vet tomorrow because we discovered a lump on his collar bone. He had a cyst removed by his throat about a month ago. Hopefully this is nothing serious.
My left leg is aching from my 3 most recent mosquito bites. I normally take an antihistimine to bring down the swelling, but because of the IVF drugs, I have refrained. My leg has even been numb a few times today!
Saturday, July 18, 2009
Cycle Day 11 - July 18, 2009
Looks like today might be my last day for shots... Woo hoo... I will find out tomorrow when I return yet again for another blood test and ultrasound. Based on today's result, I have 6 pretty good sized follicles and 1 smaller one. In each follicle there is potentially 1 egg. Sometimes follicles are empty or contain immature eggs. The larger the follicle, the more likely the chance of a mature egg. However, follicles that are too big have potentially faulty eggs...
I'm excited to see that I potentially have 6 eggs this time. If the doctor gives us the go ahead tomorrow, that will mean egg harvesting and fertilization will take place on Tuesday.
I had a great day today aside from my latest 3 mosquito bites. I got them this morning when I was adding grass seed to my front lawn. 3 bites in 10 minutes! My sprinkler is acting funny too. It gets stuck in one position every so often. I paid $40 for my sprinkler last year! I figured that a more expensive sprinkler would last longer... guess not.
Also visited the dentist to get my next 2 sets of Invisalign liners. The dentist also added 4 hooks for 2 elastics. The elastics are a pain to put in. In fact, one of the hooks fell off when I brushed my teeth so I'll have to go in soon to get it replaced.
We went out for dinner again and took Tiger for a walk at Stanley Park. Now it's time to work on my cross stitch projects.
I'm excited to see that I potentially have 6 eggs this time. If the doctor gives us the go ahead tomorrow, that will mean egg harvesting and fertilization will take place on Tuesday.
I had a great day today aside from my latest 3 mosquito bites. I got them this morning when I was adding grass seed to my front lawn. 3 bites in 10 minutes! My sprinkler is acting funny too. It gets stuck in one position every so often. I paid $40 for my sprinkler last year! I figured that a more expensive sprinkler would last longer... guess not.
Also visited the dentist to get my next 2 sets of Invisalign liners. The dentist also added 4 hooks for 2 elastics. The elastics are a pain to put in. In fact, one of the hooks fell off when I brushed my teeth so I'll have to go in soon to get it replaced.
We went out for dinner again and took Tiger for a walk at Stanley Park. Now it's time to work on my cross stitch projects.
Friday, July 17, 2009
Cycle Day 10 - July 17, 2009
It's been a very long day! I had a blood test and ultrasound today. I will be back again tomorrow for another blood test and ultrasound! The doctor told me that they will have a better idea about the number of eggs tomorrow. So far, my left ovary has 4 large follicles (good) and my right ovary has 1-2 large ones and 1-2 smaller ones. The doctors are hoping that the smaller follicles will show signs of growing larger by tomorrow.
I was home by 8:30am and we decided to head out to Sophie's Cosmic Cafe for breakfast. We've heard good reviews but never actually tried it. It was OK. My favorite breakfast joint for eggs benny is Choppers. But they closed recently... =(
After breakfast, I spent some time watering my garden and catching my favourite daytime TV show, the Doctors (@noon on CTVHE). After that we went to watch Harry Potter - the Half Blood Prince. It was well done. Unfortunately I was sitting beside a little boy and mom who wouldn't be quiet throughout the movie... quite annoying.
After we came home, we walked Tiger and I had my evening shots. Since the shots, I have been feeling quite ill. My sides are sore from all the needle punctures and my lower abdomin feels heavy and sore (probably from my swelling ovaries). This heat isn't helping either...
Since I wasn't in the mood to cook, my hubby took me to a Mexican restaurant on Commercial Drive. We weren't impressed even though this place was voted the best Mexican Restaurant by the Vancouver Sun. We still think Las Margaritas has the best Mexican food.
Now it's time to head to bed and await the results of tomorrow's ultrasound.
I was home by 8:30am and we decided to head out to Sophie's Cosmic Cafe for breakfast. We've heard good reviews but never actually tried it. It was OK. My favorite breakfast joint for eggs benny is Choppers. But they closed recently... =(
After breakfast, I spent some time watering my garden and catching my favourite daytime TV show, the Doctors (@noon on CTVHE). After that we went to watch Harry Potter - the Half Blood Prince. It was well done. Unfortunately I was sitting beside a little boy and mom who wouldn't be quiet throughout the movie... quite annoying.
After we came home, we walked Tiger and I had my evening shots. Since the shots, I have been feeling quite ill. My sides are sore from all the needle punctures and my lower abdomin feels heavy and sore (probably from my swelling ovaries). This heat isn't helping either...
Since I wasn't in the mood to cook, my hubby took me to a Mexican restaurant on Commercial Drive. We weren't impressed even though this place was voted the best Mexican Restaurant by the Vancouver Sun. We still think Las Margaritas has the best Mexican food.
Now it's time to head to bed and await the results of tomorrow's ultrasound.
Thursday, July 16, 2009
Cycle Day 8 & 9 - July 15 & 16, 2009
I was too tired to blog last night...
I am going for another blood test tomorrow morning at 7:30 followed by an ultrasound to see how many eggs I potentially have for IVF this cycle. Last time, I had 5 follicles, but only 4 eggs could be extracted because the last one was too close to an artery. The more eggs we have, the higher the probability of a successful pregnancy. We are hoping to see at least 6 follicles tomorrow...
Both my husband and I are nervous and excited for tomorrow's ultrasound. But what if I have fewer eggs than last time? =( Hopefully not.
I love tea. I went to 3 tea stores today: Steeps Tea Lounge, Teaz Tea Boutique and T, all on W. Broadway, close to Granville. I bought tea from all 3 stores!!! Yum! Jasmine Pearls, Organic Lychee Green, Japan Green Treasure, Dan Lei (White Tea/Peony), Mango and Apple Dream...
Aside from my tea "splurge", I shared/demonstrated a few Asian recipes with my sister: Lemongrass Chicken, Spicy Tofu (Ma Poa), Steamed Egg with Ground Meat and Barbecued Pork. I miss having the Food Network Channel... =( We lost that channel when we switched over to satellite TV.
I started working on my new virtual classroom website for September. Hope to get that up and running within the next few weeks.
I am going for another blood test tomorrow morning at 7:30 followed by an ultrasound to see how many eggs I potentially have for IVF this cycle. Last time, I had 5 follicles, but only 4 eggs could be extracted because the last one was too close to an artery. The more eggs we have, the higher the probability of a successful pregnancy. We are hoping to see at least 6 follicles tomorrow...
Both my husband and I are nervous and excited for tomorrow's ultrasound. But what if I have fewer eggs than last time? =( Hopefully not.
I love tea. I went to 3 tea stores today: Steeps Tea Lounge, Teaz Tea Boutique and T, all on W. Broadway, close to Granville. I bought tea from all 3 stores!!! Yum! Jasmine Pearls, Organic Lychee Green, Japan Green Treasure, Dan Lei (White Tea/Peony), Mango and Apple Dream...
Aside from my tea "splurge", I shared/demonstrated a few Asian recipes with my sister: Lemongrass Chicken, Spicy Tofu (Ma Poa), Steamed Egg with Ground Meat and Barbecued Pork. I miss having the Food Network Channel... =( We lost that channel when we switched over to satellite TV.
I started working on my new virtual classroom website for September. Hope to get that up and running within the next few weeks.
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Cycle Day 7 - July 14, 2009
As mentioned yesterday, here are 2 photos of my hubby's expensive fish.
Woo Hoo! If my memory serves me right, I'm about half way through my shots. I have had 24 injections to date... crazy thought. I am to arrive at Life Labs for a blood test between 7 and 7:30am tomorrow. Guess I won't be sleeping in. Also, I will have to self-administer my injections tomorrow since my blood must be drawn before the morning injections... yikes!
I didn't do much today. I started on a new cross-stitching project, baked an apple cinnamon blueberry cake and wrapped some chicken & veggie dumplings. Tomorrow should be a more productive and interesting day.
I didn't do much today. I started on a new cross-stitching project, baked an apple cinnamon blueberry cake and wrapped some chicken & veggie dumplings. Tomorrow should be a more productive and interesting day.
Monday, July 13, 2009
Cycle Day 6 - July 13, 2009
I'm feeling much better today, probably because I slept in! =)
I went to see my family doctor to pick up more Preg Vit and to tell her about my current IVF cycle. I mentioned about my discomfort with the needles and she recommended that I sit down for my abdominal injections. She mentioned that my muscles would be more relaxed and it would be easier to pinch the sides of my abdomin. So I decided to try it tonight. Did it work? Yes, it's easier to pinch the sides, but the pain is extremely intense! Hubby has asked me to yell out things like, "You're so good or I love you" when he's injecting me rather than, "Ahhhh". He tells me that this makes him "feel" better about poking me with needles... lol
I picked up my 4 free entrance tickets to the PNE for living in the neighbourhood and went to check out a used 210 gallon fish tank with my hubby. A 210 gallon tank is HUGE! The tank without water weighs ~450lbs! With the rocks and water it'll probably weigh between ~1200 - 1600lbs... will my floor be able to handle this weight? So why do we need this HUGE tank? My hubby invested in an Asian Arowana - Gold crossback. It's about 1 year old. He paid $700 for this fish. In a few years when it becomes gold, it supposed to be worth ~$5000 or more. We currently have a 90 gallon tank and this arowana is 10 inches in length. It will grow between 2 and 3 feet in length... So we will need a new tank in about a year. I'll post a picture of his prized fish tomorrow.
The nurses should be calling me tomorrow for a blood test on Wednesday... how lovely, more needle work... =(
I went to see my family doctor to pick up more Preg Vit and to tell her about my current IVF cycle. I mentioned about my discomfort with the needles and she recommended that I sit down for my abdominal injections. She mentioned that my muscles would be more relaxed and it would be easier to pinch the sides of my abdomin. So I decided to try it tonight. Did it work? Yes, it's easier to pinch the sides, but the pain is extremely intense! Hubby has asked me to yell out things like, "You're so good or I love you" when he's injecting me rather than, "Ahhhh". He tells me that this makes him "feel" better about poking me with needles... lol
I picked up my 4 free entrance tickets to the PNE for living in the neighbourhood and went to check out a used 210 gallon fish tank with my hubby. A 210 gallon tank is HUGE! The tank without water weighs ~450lbs! With the rocks and water it'll probably weigh between ~1200 - 1600lbs... will my floor be able to handle this weight? So why do we need this HUGE tank? My hubby invested in an Asian Arowana - Gold crossback. It's about 1 year old. He paid $700 for this fish. In a few years when it becomes gold, it supposed to be worth ~$5000 or more. We currently have a 90 gallon tank and this arowana is 10 inches in length. It will grow between 2 and 3 feet in length... So we will need a new tank in about a year. I'll post a picture of his prized fish tomorrow.
The nurses should be calling me tomorrow for a blood test on Wednesday... how lovely, more needle work... =(
Sunday, July 12, 2009
Cycle Day 5 - July 12, 2009
I feel like crap today! Normally, I get chilly in the middle of the night, especially when the air con is on. For those of you who know my husband- he likes "igloo" conditions, so I normally have to cover myself with 2 blankets, but last night I was having hot flashes with air con on... it's the Gonal F! I also had an awesome nightmare where I had 10 morning injections!
My 4 injections today were extremely painful! =( I am bloating... really bloating. I can barely pinch my abdomin for the injections and bruising has starting to appear at the injection sites. Wilson is petrified of blood and he managed to pierce one of my blood vessels today, so he freaked out too. Needless to say, I have been screaming...quite the spectacle... maybe I should camcord a set of morning/evening injections so that I can relive this craziness! ; )
We had a family BBQ at Cultus Lake today. Because it was so beautiful this morning, I assumed that the day would get warmer, especially since we were heading inland. I decided to not bring a jacket and wore a sun dress... what a mistake! It was cloudy and windy at the Lake. Now I have a splitting headache and my allergies are acting up. The nurses at Genesis recommended that I lay off any other medications (e.g Tylenol, Reactin, etc) to minimize complications. So now I am suffering miserably.
I'm going to bed now. I hope tomorrow will be a better day.
My 4 injections today were extremely painful! =( I am bloating... really bloating. I can barely pinch my abdomin for the injections and bruising has starting to appear at the injection sites. Wilson is petrified of blood and he managed to pierce one of my blood vessels today, so he freaked out too. Needless to say, I have been screaming...quite the spectacle... maybe I should camcord a set of morning/evening injections so that I can relive this craziness! ; )
We had a family BBQ at Cultus Lake today. Because it was so beautiful this morning, I assumed that the day would get warmer, especially since we were heading inland. I decided to not bring a jacket and wore a sun dress... what a mistake! It was cloudy and windy at the Lake. Now I have a splitting headache and my allergies are acting up. The nurses at Genesis recommended that I lay off any other medications (e.g Tylenol, Reactin, etc) to minimize complications. So now I am suffering miserably.
I'm going to bed now. I hope tomorrow will be a better day.
Saturday, July 11, 2009
Cycle Day 4 - July 11, 2009
Before I start commenting on my experiences today, I wanted to thank many of you for your e-mails and for your prayers. I know God's listening because the injections aren't as agonizingly painful as the last round. However, I don't still don't like the Gonal F injections!
In my last IVF cycle, I had countless abdominal bruises from the injections. It was actually scary to look at my belly in the mirror. Not only did my stomach look hideous, but the injections were excruciatingly painful. I would be screaming in our washroom as my husband prepared to "stab" me with a needle. I soon found out that we were injecting the medication into my abdominal muscles; hence, the pain. So we moved to inject the medication into fat tissue at my sides (love handles). This was by far less painful. However, "space" is limited in this so called "painless" area. =)
The Lupron injections are tolerable, but the Gonal F is a different story. Because I went back to bed after my set of morning injections, I could actually feel my heart pumping not only in my chest but also in my mosquito bitten leg (5 bites) followed by some lower abdominal cramping. I am also VERY bloated! Not a nice feeling. When I took my injections again this evening, I noticed that I was getting an abdominal rash at the site of the lupron injection. The rash finally went away after an hour. I hope I'm not allergic to these meds... ahhh...
What did I do today? I spent 8 hours painting and prepping my banister and 4 window ledges. This took a lot longer than I had anticipated. My original plan was to complete this project in 3 hours and spend another 2 hours tidying up my garden and killing some weeds. Guess I'll have to deal with the weeds another day... I am very proud of lawn... my nearly weedless lawn. Last fall, I discovered a great weed killer that kills weeds but not your grass (Killex or Weed Out). However, when I decided to restock on this miracle liquid, Rona told me that this product was now being banned in BC because it's not eco-friendly. They only carry NON-SELECTIVE weed killers, which kills the grass and the weeds...
We ended up walking Tiger in Surrey by my in-laws rather than going to Steveston since my painting project took up most of the day. It's now shortly past 11:30 pm and now I am debating if I should watch TV and start my sister's cross stitch project or read a book before I attempt to sleep in this extreme heat...
In my last IVF cycle, I had countless abdominal bruises from the injections. It was actually scary to look at my belly in the mirror. Not only did my stomach look hideous, but the injections were excruciatingly painful. I would be screaming in our washroom as my husband prepared to "stab" me with a needle. I soon found out that we were injecting the medication into my abdominal muscles; hence, the pain. So we moved to inject the medication into fat tissue at my sides (love handles). This was by far less painful. However, "space" is limited in this so called "painless" area. =)
The Lupron injections are tolerable, but the Gonal F is a different story. Because I went back to bed after my set of morning injections, I could actually feel my heart pumping not only in my chest but also in my mosquito bitten leg (5 bites) followed by some lower abdominal cramping. I am also VERY bloated! Not a nice feeling. When I took my injections again this evening, I noticed that I was getting an abdominal rash at the site of the lupron injection. The rash finally went away after an hour. I hope I'm not allergic to these meds... ahhh...
What did I do today? I spent 8 hours painting and prepping my banister and 4 window ledges. This took a lot longer than I had anticipated. My original plan was to complete this project in 3 hours and spend another 2 hours tidying up my garden and killing some weeds. Guess I'll have to deal with the weeds another day... I am very proud of lawn... my nearly weedless lawn. Last fall, I discovered a great weed killer that kills weeds but not your grass (Killex or Weed Out). However, when I decided to restock on this miracle liquid, Rona told me that this product was now being banned in BC because it's not eco-friendly. They only carry NON-SELECTIVE weed killers, which kills the grass and the weeds...
We ended up walking Tiger in Surrey by my in-laws rather than going to Steveston since my painting project took up most of the day. It's now shortly past 11:30 pm and now I am debating if I should watch TV and start my sister's cross stitch project or read a book before I attempt to sleep in this extreme heat...
Cycle Day 3 - July 10, 2009
I had an awesome day! I didn't do anything I set out to do, like my gardening and painting. Instead, I ran a multitude of errands and spent some good quality time with my mom. Thank God for moms!
I picked up my 4 Gonal F pens (~$3500) and practiced how to self administer the medication. 225umL with this pen looks like a lot of liquid! A lot of liquid = a lot of pain! I am definitely not looking forward to tomorrow morning's first injection of Gonal F!
We had dinner at the Cannery tonight to celebrate my sister-in-law's birthday. The Cannery makes the best BC halibut entrees! I didn't realize this until I tried Atlantic halibut in Chicago for my birthday dinner 2 weeks ago. Boy, was I ever disappointed... the entree tasted like something I made myself!!! Actually, mine would have tasted better...
Apparently I seemed more "giddy" to my family during tonight's dinner. I actually noticed it too after they mentioned how loud and giggly I was without an ounce of alcohol in my body. I told them it was either because I'm on vacation (enjoying a real summer vacation with no job, first time in 18 years!) or it could be a side effect of my meds! =)
After dinner, I spent a few hours chatting with my sister and my sister-in-law. Thank God for these two! They are great company and really help me forget about "me", which is a great thing! Tonight, they helped me to focus on my husband. In our conversaton, I began to piece together just how stressed out and vulnerable my husband is. I've watched him over the course of these past few weeks and noticed just how unhappy he is with work. There are so many factors that are out of our control, like work place politics and gossip, that are really damaging to his sense of passion and character. My husband now truly works to bring money home to pay our bills. He doesn't enjoy any aspect of his current job anymore. As much as he tries to not bring "work" home, his pessimism and synicism from work do make it home. He told me today that he has an upcoming interview with another company. His only hesitation is the salary. I told him that money isn't everything; his sense of well being is much more important. God has provided WAY more than what we really need. But he is a stubborn "ox", and bares the burden of having an extensive financial safety net.
In one of our most recent conversations, he told me that he fears what will happen if we have another failed IVF cycle. He fears that he will not have the strength to bare through it. This is actually my worst fear. I can bury emotions VERY deep and forget they exist for a certain length of time, but there is no way he can do that. He wears his emotion on his sleeve. I believe that he would go into a severe depression. We know that we are in no position to debate over why God has chosen this as our life struggle. We know and are very grateful that we have each other, but inately we desire to have children who carry our genes.
In many respects, I wondered if was right to try IVF this second time. This makes me think of what my mom said to me this afternoon, "Rose, if this IVf cycle doesn't work out, when I go back to Malaysia to visit Grandma, I will keep my eyes open for children you can adopt!" =) What a sweet mom!
I'm thinking about walking Tiger around Steveston tomorrow... after I finish my paint job, of course.
'til tomorrow...
I picked up my 4 Gonal F pens (~$3500) and practiced how to self administer the medication. 225umL with this pen looks like a lot of liquid! A lot of liquid = a lot of pain! I am definitely not looking forward to tomorrow morning's first injection of Gonal F!
We had dinner at the Cannery tonight to celebrate my sister-in-law's birthday. The Cannery makes the best BC halibut entrees! I didn't realize this until I tried Atlantic halibut in Chicago for my birthday dinner 2 weeks ago. Boy, was I ever disappointed... the entree tasted like something I made myself!!! Actually, mine would have tasted better...
Apparently I seemed more "giddy" to my family during tonight's dinner. I actually noticed it too after they mentioned how loud and giggly I was without an ounce of alcohol in my body. I told them it was either because I'm on vacation (enjoying a real summer vacation with no job, first time in 18 years!) or it could be a side effect of my meds! =)
After dinner, I spent a few hours chatting with my sister and my sister-in-law. Thank God for these two! They are great company and really help me forget about "me", which is a great thing! Tonight, they helped me to focus on my husband. In our conversaton, I began to piece together just how stressed out and vulnerable my husband is. I've watched him over the course of these past few weeks and noticed just how unhappy he is with work. There are so many factors that are out of our control, like work place politics and gossip, that are really damaging to his sense of passion and character. My husband now truly works to bring money home to pay our bills. He doesn't enjoy any aspect of his current job anymore. As much as he tries to not bring "work" home, his pessimism and synicism from work do make it home. He told me today that he has an upcoming interview with another company. His only hesitation is the salary. I told him that money isn't everything; his sense of well being is much more important. God has provided WAY more than what we really need. But he is a stubborn "ox", and bares the burden of having an extensive financial safety net.
In one of our most recent conversations, he told me that he fears what will happen if we have another failed IVF cycle. He fears that he will not have the strength to bare through it. This is actually my worst fear. I can bury emotions VERY deep and forget they exist for a certain length of time, but there is no way he can do that. He wears his emotion on his sleeve. I believe that he would go into a severe depression. We know that we are in no position to debate over why God has chosen this as our life struggle. We know and are very grateful that we have each other, but inately we desire to have children who carry our genes.
In many respects, I wondered if was right to try IVF this second time. This makes me think of what my mom said to me this afternoon, "Rose, if this IVf cycle doesn't work out, when I go back to Malaysia to visit Grandma, I will keep my eyes open for children you can adopt!" =) What a sweet mom!
I'm thinking about walking Tiger around Steveston tomorrow... after I finish my paint job, of course.
'til tomorrow...
Thursday, July 9, 2009
Cycle Day 2 - July 9, 2009
What a crazy day! Hubby woke me up at 5:15am for my first am shot this cycle! Needless to say, I didn't get much sleep today. I'm taking .2ml of Lupron in the morning and evening. I'm freakishly petrified of needles. I still have the needle markings from 5 months ago!
Did the Grouse Grind today... almost passed out after the 1/4 mark. I was sweating bullets, had major stomach cramps and my heart felt like it was going to burst out of my body. Thank God for my Grind buddy! I didn't want to let her down and I really wanted to continue, so I had to relieve myself behind a tree stump! How awkward and embarassing. Would hate to see myself in such a compromising position on YouTube! =) So even with my 15-20 minute break, we still managed to get to the top in 1 hour 45min. My goal was to finish it in 2hours, so I am quite ecstatic!
Since Monday, I have been on a vegetarian lunch and breakfast diet. I have been attending a Healthly Living session at church over the past few months and I decided to make this my daily spiritual cleanse and sacrifice for the duration of this IVF journey.
As a part of my birthday gift, my lovely sister decided to treat me to a 1 hour facial... oh was that ever good. I fell asleep twice and once woke up thinking I was in my own bed! Crazy, heh?
Just had my second shot today... feels no better with practice. I will be picking up my second set of daily injections tomorrow morning. Gonoral F will cost me $900 for 4 injections (2 days)... very pricey... it works out to $1 per micro mL!
Glad the weather's nice today. I'll be out gardening and painting interior window trim tormorrow.
Did the Grouse Grind today... almost passed out after the 1/4 mark. I was sweating bullets, had major stomach cramps and my heart felt like it was going to burst out of my body. Thank God for my Grind buddy! I didn't want to let her down and I really wanted to continue, so I had to relieve myself behind a tree stump! How awkward and embarassing. Would hate to see myself in such a compromising position on YouTube! =) So even with my 15-20 minute break, we still managed to get to the top in 1 hour 45min. My goal was to finish it in 2hours, so I am quite ecstatic!
Since Monday, I have been on a vegetarian lunch and breakfast diet. I have been attending a Healthly Living session at church over the past few months and I decided to make this my daily spiritual cleanse and sacrifice for the duration of this IVF journey.
As a part of my birthday gift, my lovely sister decided to treat me to a 1 hour facial... oh was that ever good. I fell asleep twice and once woke up thinking I was in my own bed! Crazy, heh?
Just had my second shot today... feels no better with practice. I will be picking up my second set of daily injections tomorrow morning. Gonoral F will cost me $900 for 4 injections (2 days)... very pricey... it works out to $1 per micro mL!
Glad the weather's nice today. I'll be out gardening and painting interior window trim tormorrow.
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
July 8, 2009
My period has arrived! This means that my first set of injections starts tomorrow. How exciting... not! I will be praying for God's guidance through this no matter what the outcome.
I had a good chat with my hubby last night about our expectations this time round. I know that we are both holding back our emotions... not sure if this is truly good for our mental well being. Thank goodness I don't have to work for the next 2 months. Going for a trail walk and facial tomorrow... that should make up for the morning injection! =)
I had a good chat with my hubby last night about our expectations this time round. I know that we are both holding back our emotions... not sure if this is truly good for our mental well being. Thank goodness I don't have to work for the next 2 months. Going for a trail walk and facial tomorrow... that should make up for the morning injection! =)
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
July 7, 2009
During my meditation session today, I ended up crying in front of a stranger when I was asked to share a sad moment in my life. Little did I realize that God was trying to heal me before my next and final shot with IVF-ICSI. In this session, I was mortified to come to terms with the notion that I blamed myself for our last miscarrage in Feb 2009. I know it sounds ridiculous, but I felt that I had disappointed my husband and only I could be blamed. But in the quiet of today's 20 minute forgiving meditation, God helped me understand that I had to forgive myself in order to move on.
I feel like a hazy veil has been lifted. Just yesterday, I was dreading the thought of 4 daily abdonimal injections for superovulation, but now, I feel renewed. Hallelujah!
I feel like a hazy veil has been lifted. Just yesterday, I was dreading the thought of 4 daily abdonimal injections for superovulation, but now, I feel renewed. Hallelujah!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)