The End - August 4, 2009

The title pretty much sums it up. This will be my last blog. I'm not really keen on sharing my grief but I can say that I did prepare myself for this. I have had a few good cries already and feel rather empty. I'm not sure how the next few days will play out, but I believe they will be painfully long. My husband tried to get an early flight home on Monday to be with me but no seats were available. I told him I'd be OK, but he felt guilty that he couldn't be here to comfort me physically and started crying over the phone. We both took turns shedding tears...


There's a part of me that wants to run away and not face reality because I'm afraid I won't know how to grieve this time. Last time, I had a reason to continue because we planned to try IVF a second time, but not a third. Would there even be a point to try again? We seemed to be "doomed" by our genetics. When my body was able to produce more follicles a few years ago, we were just in the midst of discovering the problem with immobile/slow swimming, low sperm count. Despite all my testing, no one ever thought to ask about the "age" of my ovaries because it's not that common. The magic number is "35, not 30 in my case". It wasn't until we decided to proceed with IVF 4 years later that we realised that I have a low ovarian reserve and that my ovaries look like 40 year old ovaries. IVF success is increased based on the number of good quality eggs extracted for fertilization. It's a probability game. With 2 rounds of IVF, we extracted 6 eggs, 4 of which fertilized and 2 transferred. 1 lead to a pregnancy which terminated shortly after. My body can't produce enough quality eggs for IVF and without ICSI my eggs can't be fertilized. = ( I have an appointment with the doctor tomorrow. But, I don't believe there really are any more options going down this route again. I can predict the same result next time- 3 eggs and 1 to transfer... 15% chance for a baby.


My husband would do anything I asked, bless his soul. But, I know our deepest desire. I feel like I am at a fork in the road. A part of me doesn't want to give up because I keep hoping for a miracle but I know that time is against me. If there is any desire to try IVF again, I have to do it this year. My ovaries won't stop aging. But I don't believe I have any strength left to go on this ride again... it's emotionally and financially damaging.

There is a voice in my head that constantly whispers, "If I only knew sooner... maybe things would have been different." It's a stupid voice because I know these are things I have no control over.

Although I know God loves me and has a good plan for me, it's very difficult for me to accept that we won't be able to have at least one biological child... I harbour no self-blame or guilt this time, just pure sadness. I feel like a once burning light of hope has been extinguished inside me.



Thank you for your kind thoughts, e-mails and prayers these last 5 weeks. I have truly enjoyed sharing my blogs with you. May God continue to bless all of you.