Cycle Day 3 - July 10, 2009

I had an awesome day! I didn't do anything I set out to do, like my gardening and painting. Instead, I ran a multitude of errands and spent some good quality time with my mom. Thank God for moms!

I picked up my 4 Gonal F pens (~$3500) and practiced how to self administer the medication. 225umL with this pen looks like a lot of liquid! A lot of liquid = a lot of pain! I am definitely not looking forward to tomorrow morning's first injection of Gonal F!

We had dinner at the Cannery tonight to celebrate my sister-in-law's birthday. The Cannery makes the best BC halibut entrees! I didn't realize this until I tried Atlantic halibut in Chicago for my birthday dinner 2 weeks ago. Boy, was I ever disappointed... the entree tasted like something I made myself!!! Actually, mine would have tasted better...

Apparently I seemed more "giddy" to my family during tonight's dinner. I actually noticed it too after they mentioned how loud and giggly I was without an ounce of alcohol in my body. I told them it was either because I'm on vacation (enjoying a real summer vacation with no job, first time in 18 years!) or it could be a side effect of my meds! =)

After dinner, I spent a few hours chatting with my sister and my sister-in-law. Thank God for these two! They are great company and really help me forget about "me", which is a great thing! Tonight, they helped me to focus on my husband. In our conversaton, I began to piece together just how stressed out and vulnerable my husband is. I've watched him over the course of these past few weeks and noticed just how unhappy he is with work. There are so many factors that are out of our control, like work place politics and gossip, that are really damaging to his sense of passion and character. My husband now truly works to bring money home to pay our bills. He doesn't enjoy any aspect of his current job anymore. As much as he tries to not bring "work" home, his pessimism and synicism from work do make it home. He told me today that he has an upcoming interview with another company. His only hesitation is the salary. I told him that money isn't everything; his sense of well being is much more important. God has provided WAY more than what we really need. But he is a stubborn "ox", and bares the burden of having an extensive financial safety net.

In one of our most recent conversations, he told me that he fears what will happen if we have another failed IVF cycle. He fears that he will not have the strength to bare through it. This is actually my worst fear. I can bury emotions VERY deep and forget they exist for a certain length of time, but there is no way he can do that. He wears his emotion on his sleeve. I believe that he would go into a severe depression. We know that we are in no position to debate over why God has chosen this as our life struggle. We know and are very grateful that we have each other, but inately we desire to have children who carry our genes.

In many respects, I wondered if was right to try IVF this second time. This makes me think of what my mom said to me this afternoon, "Rose, if this IVf cycle doesn't work out, when I go back to Malaysia to visit Grandma, I will keep my eyes open for children you can adopt!" =) What a sweet mom!

I'm thinking about walking Tiger around Steveston tomorrow... after I finish my paint job, of course.

'til tomorrow...