It's frightening, yet exciting to realize that I am only 2 sleeps away from my trip to Cambodia. As I think back to the last 2 months, God has been exceptionally good to me. He has provided above and beyond all the things that I have asked for.
I had one group of boys from my class ask if they could collect sports jerseys for me to bring to the children in Cambodia. I was touched by the fact that they wanted to help support my mission and that they came up with such a great way to share their love of sports with others in another country. At the end of June, these 3 boys had collected over 250 soccer jerseys and pairs of shorts! This worked out well since our medical team had ordered 50 soccer balls engraved with the words Jesus loves me in Khmer (one of our fundraisers) to had out as well.
Last month, our team had also hosted a Jazz Night fundraiser that was also a great testament to God's goodness. We had plenty of auction items, a fabulous band and lots of "unplanned" dessert items. I was one of the speakers that evening and was asked to share my reason for going to Cambodia. God gave me a calm heart and filled me with passion, love and strength to share my husband's story of how his family fled Cambodia and eventually arriving in Vancouver. I know God used me to touch the hearts of many and to make us remember how fortunate we all are and how much God loves each and everyone of us.
On Sunday, one of my team members had a great thought about getting free condoms to hand out. Because we will be in Poipet, a city created for gambling tourists, this is a city of extreme crime, poverty, and drugs and sex trafficking. At first, I was skeptical of being able to round up a significant number of condoms on such short notice. So it is through sheer grace, that when I picked up the phone to called Planned Parenthood this morning that they offered to donate 1000 condoms. Praise God!
As I am packing my final items, I am thinking about how God will use me to do his work. Tara has just called me asking me to pray for the arrival of medical supplies for us to take to Cambodia.
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Monday, August 3, 2009
The End - August 4, 2009
The title pretty much sums it up. This will be my last blog. I'm not really keen on sharing my grief but I can say that I did prepare myself for this. I have had a few good cries already and feel rather empty. I'm not sure how the next few days will play out, but I believe they will be painfully long. My husband tried to get an early flight home on Monday to be with me but no seats were available. I told him I'd be OK, but he felt guilty that he couldn't be here to comfort me physically and started crying over the phone. We both took turns shedding tears...
There's a part of me that wants to run away and not face reality because I'm afraid I won't know how to grieve this time. Last time, I had a reason to continue because we planned to try IVF a second time, but not a third. Would there even be a point to try again? We seemed to be "doomed" by our genetics. When my body was able to produce more follicles a few years ago, we were just in the midst of discovering the problem with immobile/slow swimming, low sperm count. Despite all my testing, no one ever thought to ask about the "age" of my ovaries because it's not that common. The magic number is "35, not 30 in my case". It wasn't until we decided to proceed with IVF 4 years later that we realised that I have a low ovarian reserve and that my ovaries look like 40 year old ovaries. IVF success is increased based on the number of good quality eggs extracted for fertilization. It's a probability game. With 2 rounds of IVF, we extracted 6 eggs, 4 of which fertilized and 2 transferred. 1 lead to a pregnancy which terminated shortly after. My body can't produce enough quality eggs for IVF and without ICSI my eggs can't be fertilized. = ( I have an appointment with the doctor tomorrow. But, I don't believe there really are any more options going down this route again. I can predict the same result next time- 3 eggs and 1 to transfer... 15% chance for a baby.
My husband would do anything I asked, bless his soul. But, I know our deepest desire. I feel like I am at a fork in the road. A part of me doesn't want to give up because I keep hoping for a miracle but I know that time is against me. If there is any desire to try IVF again, I have to do it this year. My ovaries won't stop aging. But I don't believe I have any strength left to go on this ride again... it's emotionally and financially damaging.
Although I know God loves me and has a good plan for me, it's very difficult for me to accept that we won't be able to have at least one biological child... I harbour no self-blame or guilt this time, just pure sadness. I feel like a once burning light of hope has been extinguished inside me.
Thank you for your kind thoughts, e-mails and prayers these last 5 weeks. I have truly enjoyed sharing my blogs with you. May God continue to bless all of you.
There's a part of me that wants to run away and not face reality because I'm afraid I won't know how to grieve this time. Last time, I had a reason to continue because we planned to try IVF a second time, but not a third. Would there even be a point to try again? We seemed to be "doomed" by our genetics. When my body was able to produce more follicles a few years ago, we were just in the midst of discovering the problem with immobile/slow swimming, low sperm count. Despite all my testing, no one ever thought to ask about the "age" of my ovaries because it's not that common. The magic number is "35, not 30 in my case". It wasn't until we decided to proceed with IVF 4 years later that we realised that I have a low ovarian reserve and that my ovaries look like 40 year old ovaries. IVF success is increased based on the number of good quality eggs extracted for fertilization. It's a probability game. With 2 rounds of IVF, we extracted 6 eggs, 4 of which fertilized and 2 transferred. 1 lead to a pregnancy which terminated shortly after. My body can't produce enough quality eggs for IVF and without ICSI my eggs can't be fertilized. = ( I have an appointment with the doctor tomorrow. But, I don't believe there really are any more options going down this route again. I can predict the same result next time- 3 eggs and 1 to transfer... 15% chance for a baby.
My husband would do anything I asked, bless his soul. But, I know our deepest desire. I feel like I am at a fork in the road. A part of me doesn't want to give up because I keep hoping for a miracle but I know that time is against me. If there is any desire to try IVF again, I have to do it this year. My ovaries won't stop aging. But I don't believe I have any strength left to go on this ride again... it's emotionally and financially damaging.
There is a voice in my head that constantly whispers, "If I only knew sooner... maybe things would have been different." It's a stupid voice because I know these are things I have no control over.
Although I know God loves me and has a good plan for me, it's very difficult for me to accept that we won't be able to have at least one biological child... I harbour no self-blame or guilt this time, just pure sadness. I feel like a once burning light of hope has been extinguished inside me.
Thank you for your kind thoughts, e-mails and prayers these last 5 weeks. I have truly enjoyed sharing my blogs with you. May God continue to bless all of you.
Sunday, August 2, 2009
Embryo Day 13 - August 3, 2009
I am getting really antsy. I noticed some blood last night when I took my progesterone capsules. Yesterday was Day 12, so that could be implantation bleeding. I had hot flashes last night and am still enduring them this morning. Also noticed slight bleeding/spotting this morning. I'm actually feeling sick. I'm not sure if this is from being stressed out that this bleeding is the start of my period/miscarriage or if my allergies are coming back. My nose is stuffed, feeling kind of nauseated and like I have a pit at the bottom of my stomach. I hate going to the washroom, but I find that I constantly need to go pee! It's rather annoying!
In my mind, I have been constantly repeating to myself to not overanalyse things and to just give my worries to God. Yesterday's sermon was also timely. I was about Joseph's rise to success from slavery. Main message: God has a good plan for all of us. We will endure a rollercoaster of emotions and ordeals but in the end, God is good to us. What He envisions for us may not necessarily be what we want when we want it, but it will work out in the end.
I am a control freak, have been all my life. I am a planner and many of the major events in my life did not go according to "my plan". But in many ways, I know I am a better person because of that.
Over the past few years, I have felt a calling to go on another mission trip to South east Asia. However, I wasn't sure how I could serve to really utilize my gift. So, instead of travelling abroad to make an impact, I decided to incorporate some of my core values into my workplace. Last year, I taught a whole unit about the Khmer Rouge and the Cambodian people in social studies. I even incorporated knowledge that I had acquired through sermons at church into topics for discussion. These are things I would have not dared to do a few years ago. But I was so glad that I did. I had great discussions with my students about children's rights and for being grateful for the simple pleasures in life we take for granted. I think this is where my passion lies. Every child should go to school. No child should lead a life of prostitution to survive. Any one person can make a difference in the world. Age doesn't matter; only your personal will. I linked this underlying message to my Team LA unit about Global Citizenship and to a school fundraiser and my own classroom fundraiser. I was quite happy with my lesson planning, but now here's the challenge... is there anything else I can do to further model my passion?
I've thought about international adoption in the past, but my husband is a very traditional Asian man. =) He wasn't interested. His mind is set on having a child that has his traits. I don't blame him, I want the same the thing... Anyways, I was never really interested in adopting from China, but was very interested in adopting from Thailand, Cambodia or Vietnam. Why these countries? It is in these very countries that girls become targets for sex trade. I think I mentioned this idea to somebody at some point in my life and their response was, "Do you know most of those children are very sick with diseases like AIDS?" My response at the time was, "Yes, I am aware of that, but surely there must be healthier ones too." I soon filed this idea in the back of mind for a few years... 5 years...
I'm not sure if we're ready to adopt yet, but I sent for some information about international adoption last week. I read the material yesterday. Cambodia is not an option (political thing), but Vietnam and Thailand are definite possibilities. What shocked me was not only the cost ($15K-20K), but that they don't guarantee an adoption even if everything is done correctly! The wait list for Vietnam and Thailand is about 1-2 years, but for China is now closer to 3 years!!! The positive news is that for the first time in world history, there is more demand for healthy orphaned children abroad than there are children. It's a good thing that these kids are being saved from dire circumstances and have a chance at a better life.
I had a chance to briefly to discuss this with my hubby yesterday, apparently he wasn't shocked at the figures because he had already looked into that option! His response was, "For that price, we could do 2 rounds of IVF!" For which he is right... neither option guarantees you anything. In case you haven't figured it out, my husband and I are not risk takers. It took us about 2 years to finally decide to try IVF and it has been a very emotionally challenging journey. If you were to ask me if it has been worth it, I can't really say. I am still in the midst of the fog, but I don't regret giving this a shot. Both of our parents have been very supportive throughout this endevour, both financially and to the best of their ability, emotionally.
In my mind, I have been constantly repeating to myself to not overanalyse things and to just give my worries to God. Yesterday's sermon was also timely. I was about Joseph's rise to success from slavery. Main message: God has a good plan for all of us. We will endure a rollercoaster of emotions and ordeals but in the end, God is good to us. What He envisions for us may not necessarily be what we want when we want it, but it will work out in the end.
I am a control freak, have been all my life. I am a planner and many of the major events in my life did not go according to "my plan". But in many ways, I know I am a better person because of that.
**************PERSONAL THOUGHTS & PONDERINGS**************
Over the past few years, I have felt a calling to go on another mission trip to South east Asia. However, I wasn't sure how I could serve to really utilize my gift. So, instead of travelling abroad to make an impact, I decided to incorporate some of my core values into my workplace. Last year, I taught a whole unit about the Khmer Rouge and the Cambodian people in social studies. I even incorporated knowledge that I had acquired through sermons at church into topics for discussion. These are things I would have not dared to do a few years ago. But I was so glad that I did. I had great discussions with my students about children's rights and for being grateful for the simple pleasures in life we take for granted. I think this is where my passion lies. Every child should go to school. No child should lead a life of prostitution to survive. Any one person can make a difference in the world. Age doesn't matter; only your personal will. I linked this underlying message to my Team LA unit about Global Citizenship and to a school fundraiser and my own classroom fundraiser. I was quite happy with my lesson planning, but now here's the challenge... is there anything else I can do to further model my passion?
I've thought about international adoption in the past, but my husband is a very traditional Asian man. =) He wasn't interested. His mind is set on having a child that has his traits. I don't blame him, I want the same the thing... Anyways, I was never really interested in adopting from China, but was very interested in adopting from Thailand, Cambodia or Vietnam. Why these countries? It is in these very countries that girls become targets for sex trade. I think I mentioned this idea to somebody at some point in my life and their response was, "Do you know most of those children are very sick with diseases like AIDS?" My response at the time was, "Yes, I am aware of that, but surely there must be healthier ones too." I soon filed this idea in the back of mind for a few years... 5 years...
I'm not sure if we're ready to adopt yet, but I sent for some information about international adoption last week. I read the material yesterday. Cambodia is not an option (political thing), but Vietnam and Thailand are definite possibilities. What shocked me was not only the cost ($15K-20K), but that they don't guarantee an adoption even if everything is done correctly! The wait list for Vietnam and Thailand is about 1-2 years, but for China is now closer to 3 years!!! The positive news is that for the first time in world history, there is more demand for healthy orphaned children abroad than there are children. It's a good thing that these kids are being saved from dire circumstances and have a chance at a better life.
I had a chance to briefly to discuss this with my hubby yesterday, apparently he wasn't shocked at the figures because he had already looked into that option! His response was, "For that price, we could do 2 rounds of IVF!" For which he is right... neither option guarantees you anything. In case you haven't figured it out, my husband and I are not risk takers. It took us about 2 years to finally decide to try IVF and it has been a very emotionally challenging journey. If you were to ask me if it has been worth it, I can't really say. I am still in the midst of the fog, but I don't regret giving this a shot. Both of our parents have been very supportive throughout this endevour, both financially and to the best of their ability, emotionally.
The IVF part of this journey was technically over 10 days ago. Not sure if this pregnancy journey will be coming to a close yet, but it's been a pleasure sharing it with you so far.
Saturday, August 1, 2009
Embryo Day 11, August 1, 2009
Wow! Can you believe it's August already? 1 more month until I have to go back to work! I'm going to need to clean up my computer room and my dining room full of teaching resources starting on Monday... no more slacking off!!! =)
I spent most of the day with my parents. I went to Chinatown with them and will be heading to their place for dinner again tonight. They are doing a good job keeping my mind occupied with other things. Both of them are going back to visit Granny in Malaysia in September.
I have had some minor cramps these last two days. My period, if it comes, should arrive on Tuesday or Wednesday. My blood test is scheduled for Friday. Waiting and hoping for good news. I have a bad habit of looking things up on internet... I found a great quote from another lady going through the 2 week period after her IVF embryo transfer. It brought me back to "reality"...
One of the quotes the minister closed with was one by Albert Einstein - who said "you can live your life one of two ways; to believe that nothing is a miracle or that everything is a miracle." I think I know which camp most of us are in.
I also visited my aunt tonight. I haven't had a conversation with her in years. I told her about my last miscarriage and she told me that she had also had 2 miscarriages - one before each of her kids (my cousins)... so she told me not to worry. Her words did bring me comfort. Can't wait for hubby to come home on Tuesday... miss his whining already ; )
I spent most of the day with my parents. I went to Chinatown with them and will be heading to their place for dinner again tonight. They are doing a good job keeping my mind occupied with other things. Both of them are going back to visit Granny in Malaysia in September.
I have had some minor cramps these last two days. My period, if it comes, should arrive on Tuesday or Wednesday. My blood test is scheduled for Friday. Waiting and hoping for good news. I have a bad habit of looking things up on internet... I found a great quote from another lady going through the 2 week period after her IVF embryo transfer. It brought me back to "reality"...
One of the quotes the minister closed with was one by Albert Einstein - who said "you can live your life one of two ways; to believe that nothing is a miracle or that everything is a miracle." I think I know which camp most of us are in.
I also visited my aunt tonight. I haven't had a conversation with her in years. I told her about my last miscarriage and she told me that she had also had 2 miscarriages - one before each of her kids (my cousins)... so she told me not to worry. Her words did bring me comfort. Can't wait for hubby to come home on Tuesday... miss his whining already ; )
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Embryo Day 10, July 31, 2009
I had a relatively relaxing day. I bought more tea... yes, again...saving it for later when I can enjoy it without any guilt. I had a great facial but a less relaxing foot massage. I am not into pain and this foot massage was a "therapeutic" foot massage using reflexology. I was actually quite stressed and kept the massuse relatively entertained. He told me to close my eyes and that laughing would not make the process less painful... =)
I accidentally scratched one of the mag wheels of my "new" vehicle... =( I was not a happy camper. My husband also called to tell me that the job he was keen on getting could only interview him today... not possible since he's in Chicago... =( Better luck next time...
Yesterday, I decided to look up the definition of being pregnant. According to ARDictionary:
Pregnancy 1Definition: The condition of being pregnant; the state of being with young.
This made me laugh... I originally read it as "state of being young" ... =) Jeez, that would make us all pregnant!
pregnancy 3Definition: the state of being pregnant; the period from conception to birth when a woman carries a developing fetus in her uterus
Based on this definition (3) I am technically pregnant. Yet, I am not excited. I am terrified. I'm doing my best to not really think about it, but it's difficult. I feel like I'm in a weird position. Most women wait for take a pregnancy test to see if they "conceived", yet, I will be taking a pregnancy test to see if my embryo will still be alive... I am essentailly waiting for the news of a miscarriage. Sad, really because this is truly looking at the glass half empty.
I also had implantation bleeding during my last IVF cycle, so I am wondering if I'll have that indication again this time. Looking back at my calendar, implantation bleeding happened on Embryo Day 11... our miscarriage last time happened on Friday the 13th, ironic, heh? =)
OK... time to submerse in positive thoughts... love my dog. He is so sweet and odd! He sleeps in the oddest positions, legs crossed or on his back!
I accidentally scratched one of the mag wheels of my "new" vehicle... =( I was not a happy camper. My husband also called to tell me that the job he was keen on getting could only interview him today... not possible since he's in Chicago... =( Better luck next time...
Yesterday, I decided to look up the definition of being pregnant. According to ARDictionary:
Pregnancy 1Definition: The condition of being pregnant; the state of being with young.
This made me laugh... I originally read it as "state of being young" ... =) Jeez, that would make us all pregnant!
pregnancy 3Definition: the state of being pregnant; the period from conception to birth when a woman carries a developing fetus in her uterus
Based on this definition (3) I am technically pregnant. Yet, I am not excited. I am terrified. I'm doing my best to not really think about it, but it's difficult. I feel like I'm in a weird position. Most women wait for take a pregnancy test to see if they "conceived", yet, I will be taking a pregnancy test to see if my embryo will still be alive... I am essentailly waiting for the news of a miscarriage. Sad, really because this is truly looking at the glass half empty.
I also had implantation bleeding during my last IVF cycle, so I am wondering if I'll have that indication again this time. Looking back at my calendar, implantation bleeding happened on Embryo Day 11... our miscarriage last time happened on Friday the 13th, ironic, heh? =)
OK... time to submerse in positive thoughts... love my dog. He is so sweet and odd! He sleeps in the oddest positions, legs crossed or on his back!
Embryo Day 9, July 30, 2009
Lost my blog entry from last night... wireless internet router went down when I went to publish my post...
The past few days have been relatively boring =) I took Tiger to Granville Island with my sister. I took some fabulous pictures with my phone. I haven't quite figured out how to export the photos directly to my computer w/o e-mailing them to my account. You would think there'd be some USB adaptor...
I spent most of one evening updating my husband's resume and cover letter for another job opportunity. He's really excited about this one. He is definitely in need of a change.
With this sweltering heat, I have felt extremely lazy. I've only gone out to water my flowers and take Tiger on short walks. Even Tiger doesn't want to walk! We endured the hottest day ever recorded in Vancouver yesterday, 33.8C.... Wow!
I was watching the news and there are "sprinkler patrollers" in Delta. I'm pretty sure we'll be getting some too. I haven't turned on my sprinkler for a few days... guess I won't be able to... just have to stand out there and fry! Thank goodness my husband isn't here to endure this heat. He would be whining like crazy! =)
I'm looking forward to my facial and foot massage tomorrow afternoon.
The past few days have been relatively boring =) I took Tiger to Granville Island with my sister. I took some fabulous pictures with my phone. I haven't quite figured out how to export the photos directly to my computer w/o e-mailing them to my account. You would think there'd be some USB adaptor...
I spent most of one evening updating my husband's resume and cover letter for another job opportunity. He's really excited about this one. He is definitely in need of a change.
With this sweltering heat, I have felt extremely lazy. I've only gone out to water my flowers and take Tiger on short walks. Even Tiger doesn't want to walk! We endured the hottest day ever recorded in Vancouver yesterday, 33.8C.... Wow!
I was watching the news and there are "sprinkler patrollers" in Delta. I'm pretty sure we'll be getting some too. I haven't turned on my sprinkler for a few days... guess I won't be able to... just have to stand out there and fry! Thank goodness my husband isn't here to endure this heat. He would be whining like crazy! =)
I'm looking forward to my facial and foot massage tomorrow afternoon.
Monday, July 27, 2009
Embryo Day 6, July 27, 2009
I've had a mentally crazy time these 2 days. Both yesterday and today were very spiritually soothing days. So I must warn you, if reading about my faith disturbs you, you should read no more as this may offend you. So tune in tomorrow! =) I know if I were someone else reading this, I may think I was insane... ; ) Also, today's blog will be long and a bit more "unstructured". Please note that I am not Catholic, but a faithful Christian.
This part of my journey was triggered last Friday when God invited me to return to the place where I first met God. In high school, a friend of mine was Catholic. I knew God existed, but I didn't know much more than that. My friend took me to few masses and to a beautiful cathedral downtown, the Holy Rosary Cathedral. This place took my breath away. The intricate artwork is amazing, but it wasn't the art that fascinated me. It was the extreme sense of peace and tranquility this place gave me. This was how I imagined it would feel like if God were in the room! So needless to say, at that moment in my life, this cathedral became my special place.
However, it wasn't until my 2nd year at UBC that I knew God was very present in my life. I was overwhelmed with academics and the financial burden of paying for university. My father was in the process of losing of his best friend and both of my parents were putting a lot of pressure on me. I didn't know what I wanted to be anymore. I was so confused. So I volunteered a lot and I worked a lot. But I came to a "breaking point" and I decided to pray to God and return to my special place. As I prayed, the tears erupted and I felt the burden literally lift from my shoulders... I knew He was not "absent", but very present. This was not the only time God intervened to comfort me here... funny now that I think about this... I should have had my wedding here =)
Last Friday, I stayed home... mainly because I promised my husband that I wouldn't go anywhere and just rest. But I promised myself that I would go downtown on Monday... but before I go into that I wanted to tell you about yesterday.
After I dropped off my husband, I actually debated if I should attend church... bad, I know. But I did feel Him calling me. The sermon was absolutely relevant. God "brackets" our life. Every tragedy, every blessing... He is there like a parent. He is there at the beginning and there at the end. We often feel that He is absent, but He is standing by ready to catch us when we fall. This reminds me of the Footprints poem (my favourite one). I became very humbled yesterday. Then when I heard the news about a pastor's tragic loss of his son, I realized how little my problem was... how little my pain was in comparison... One of the lines of the worship song was "I know a love greater than life itself..." How lucky I am to know that Christ died for me and that my husband would do the same in a heart beat...
This morning as I headed to my spiritual sanctuary, there were many events that I didn't plan for.
I was greeted by my neighbour, who was motioning me towards her. She told me that she couldn't get to the door in time to catch the mailman. The mailman was about half way down the block and she asked me to chase him down because she left her front door open and didn't bring her keys out with her. Luckily, the mailman was able to hear our screams and stopped so that I could sign her package for her. Because I decided to take public transit downtown, I decided to use this trip time as "spiritual meditation" time. On my bus ride, I became very aware of the emotions and feelings of people on the streets and on the bus. I felt a sense of duty to do God's work. I kind of fell off the band wagon a few years ago and I know that I have been recently making changes to get back on, but today, I know that I need to make it a priority.
Anyhow, I got off the bus and as I waited for the light to change on Richards and Hastings, a lady walked up to me and asked for directions. I didn't quite understand where she wanted to go, so I asked if she had an address. To which, she said no. Because we were just outside of SFU- Harbour Centre, I told her to go to the desk and ask the receptionist to find the address of the place (via internet). To my surprise, she told me she was scared and if I would help her.
So, I did. I soon realized that she was looking for a notary public. So with the help of the receptionist at SFU, we found the closest one. She looked at me and asked if I could walk her there. Of course, I did. During our 2 block walk, in her broken English, she told me that she lived in Surrey and she needed to have her divorce certificate notarized. Her ex-husband was in India. I am certain she wanted to tell me more, but language was a barrier. But I could see the fear and feel her pain. For a split second, I thought about calling one of my Punjabi/Hindi speaking friends... but decided not to.
At the notary's office, I had to explain why I was with this woman. The notary gave me a smile and said, "So you just met? You're just being a good Samaritan?" (As if it were a bad thing...) Until that moment, I didn't really consider myself being a good Samaritan; I just wanted to help because that's what I would want if I were in her shoes. We exited the building together and she hugged me goodbye, thanked me and I believe blessed me in her language... I was glad that I was able to be her angel today...
So now I was back on my journey to the cathedral. When I was just across the street, I was excited and anxious, like I was going to meet a friend I hadn't seen in a while. I speak to God all the time, but this was different. As I entered, I realised I had made it just in time for mass at noon. Unfortunately, I only understood 10% of the service. The father was German and had a very strong accent. However, I did enjoy communion. I remember standing in line for communion and watching a lady after receiving her wafer head toward a beautiful statue of Jesus. She put her hand on his heart and then into his outstretched hand and then to her lips. I felt her love towards Him. Then I recalled looking around the santuary and the people in it. Some had come dressed on designer clothing, clutching a designer purse and wearing designer glasses. Some were dressed in business attire, here on their lunch break, some were tourists, and some were clearly homeless.
It was at this point after I had returned to the pew to kneel down and bow my head that I was able to concentrate and to let it all out. How blessed am I? I am very blessed! How dare I think only about myself and my sadness, which really doesn't compare to much of the pain and suffering in this world? So I let my tears run, my tears of guilt and pain, run into His hands... what a relief it was for me... to let it go...
As I left, I looked at the prayer candles and promised that I would return to light one with my husband when he comes back from his business trip. I want to light the candle in memory of our last embryo from our last IVF cycle. To us, that embryo was a child, a child unborn to this world.
A group of my friends had asked me to join them for a BBQ tonight. They are friends that I grew up with, but because of my fertility issues, I withdrew from. For the past few years, I just couldn't bare seeing another baby, even family gatherings were hard on me. I didn't hate God, but I often questioned, " Why? What did I do wrong? Why have you given this as my test of faith?"
I thought time would heal me. I thought IVF would be the answer. But I haven't gone much further because I never really faced the pain until this month... and even to let go of the burden of guilt I harbour deep within me until this morning. I used to hate it when people told me to relax, what's the rush, it'll happen, there's always next month. There's always adoption. Yes, I know that they are just trying to comfort me. But, this advice comes from people who don't know the pain. They think they are comforting, but instead they are driving the dagger deep into my bleeding heart. At Genesis, we were reading an article about appropriate etiquette when talking to couples who are experiencing fertility issues: it says, "Would you tell a breast cancer patient, 'It's OK. We'll just get you a new breast.' So why would you tell someone who can't have kids of their own to adopt. Funny, when it's put in that light.... =)
Oh well, I thought I would be strong enough to go enjoy my friends' company tonight. But with my emotionally instabililty, I did not feel right to burden them with my insecurities and sadness. I also know I am not ready to face my demons full force... yet... So friends, please do not take my absence tonight as an offence. I will be back one day... =)
Well, that's enough writing for today.
This part of my journey was triggered last Friday when God invited me to return to the place where I first met God. In high school, a friend of mine was Catholic. I knew God existed, but I didn't know much more than that. My friend took me to few masses and to a beautiful cathedral downtown, the Holy Rosary Cathedral. This place took my breath away. The intricate artwork is amazing, but it wasn't the art that fascinated me. It was the extreme sense of peace and tranquility this place gave me. This was how I imagined it would feel like if God were in the room! So needless to say, at that moment in my life, this cathedral became my special place.
However, it wasn't until my 2nd year at UBC that I knew God was very present in my life. I was overwhelmed with academics and the financial burden of paying for university. My father was in the process of losing of his best friend and both of my parents were putting a lot of pressure on me. I didn't know what I wanted to be anymore. I was so confused. So I volunteered a lot and I worked a lot. But I came to a "breaking point" and I decided to pray to God and return to my special place. As I prayed, the tears erupted and I felt the burden literally lift from my shoulders... I knew He was not "absent", but very present. This was not the only time God intervened to comfort me here... funny now that I think about this... I should have had my wedding here =)
Last Friday, I stayed home... mainly because I promised my husband that I wouldn't go anywhere and just rest. But I promised myself that I would go downtown on Monday... but before I go into that I wanted to tell you about yesterday.
After I dropped off my husband, I actually debated if I should attend church... bad, I know. But I did feel Him calling me. The sermon was absolutely relevant. God "brackets" our life. Every tragedy, every blessing... He is there like a parent. He is there at the beginning and there at the end. We often feel that He is absent, but He is standing by ready to catch us when we fall. This reminds me of the Footprints poem (my favourite one). I became very humbled yesterday. Then when I heard the news about a pastor's tragic loss of his son, I realized how little my problem was... how little my pain was in comparison... One of the lines of the worship song was "I know a love greater than life itself..." How lucky I am to know that Christ died for me and that my husband would do the same in a heart beat...
This morning as I headed to my spiritual sanctuary, there were many events that I didn't plan for.
I was greeted by my neighbour, who was motioning me towards her. She told me that she couldn't get to the door in time to catch the mailman. The mailman was about half way down the block and she asked me to chase him down because she left her front door open and didn't bring her keys out with her. Luckily, the mailman was able to hear our screams and stopped so that I could sign her package for her. Because I decided to take public transit downtown, I decided to use this trip time as "spiritual meditation" time. On my bus ride, I became very aware of the emotions and feelings of people on the streets and on the bus. I felt a sense of duty to do God's work. I kind of fell off the band wagon a few years ago and I know that I have been recently making changes to get back on, but today, I know that I need to make it a priority.
Anyhow, I got off the bus and as I waited for the light to change on Richards and Hastings, a lady walked up to me and asked for directions. I didn't quite understand where she wanted to go, so I asked if she had an address. To which, she said no. Because we were just outside of SFU- Harbour Centre, I told her to go to the desk and ask the receptionist to find the address of the place (via internet). To my surprise, she told me she was scared and if I would help her.
So, I did. I soon realized that she was looking for a notary public. So with the help of the receptionist at SFU, we found the closest one. She looked at me and asked if I could walk her there. Of course, I did. During our 2 block walk, in her broken English, she told me that she lived in Surrey and she needed to have her divorce certificate notarized. Her ex-husband was in India. I am certain she wanted to tell me more, but language was a barrier. But I could see the fear and feel her pain. For a split second, I thought about calling one of my Punjabi/Hindi speaking friends... but decided not to.
At the notary's office, I had to explain why I was with this woman. The notary gave me a smile and said, "So you just met? You're just being a good Samaritan?" (As if it were a bad thing...) Until that moment, I didn't really consider myself being a good Samaritan; I just wanted to help because that's what I would want if I were in her shoes. We exited the building together and she hugged me goodbye, thanked me and I believe blessed me in her language... I was glad that I was able to be her angel today...
So now I was back on my journey to the cathedral. When I was just across the street, I was excited and anxious, like I was going to meet a friend I hadn't seen in a while. I speak to God all the time, but this was different. As I entered, I realised I had made it just in time for mass at noon. Unfortunately, I only understood 10% of the service. The father was German and had a very strong accent. However, I did enjoy communion. I remember standing in line for communion and watching a lady after receiving her wafer head toward a beautiful statue of Jesus. She put her hand on his heart and then into his outstretched hand and then to her lips. I felt her love towards Him. Then I recalled looking around the santuary and the people in it. Some had come dressed on designer clothing, clutching a designer purse and wearing designer glasses. Some were dressed in business attire, here on their lunch break, some were tourists, and some were clearly homeless.
It was at this point after I had returned to the pew to kneel down and bow my head that I was able to concentrate and to let it all out. How blessed am I? I am very blessed! How dare I think only about myself and my sadness, which really doesn't compare to much of the pain and suffering in this world? So I let my tears run, my tears of guilt and pain, run into His hands... what a relief it was for me... to let it go...
As I left, I looked at the prayer candles and promised that I would return to light one with my husband when he comes back from his business trip. I want to light the candle in memory of our last embryo from our last IVF cycle. To us, that embryo was a child, a child unborn to this world.
A group of my friends had asked me to join them for a BBQ tonight. They are friends that I grew up with, but because of my fertility issues, I withdrew from. For the past few years, I just couldn't bare seeing another baby, even family gatherings were hard on me. I didn't hate God, but I often questioned, " Why? What did I do wrong? Why have you given this as my test of faith?"
I thought time would heal me. I thought IVF would be the answer. But I haven't gone much further because I never really faced the pain until this month... and even to let go of the burden of guilt I harbour deep within me until this morning. I used to hate it when people told me to relax, what's the rush, it'll happen, there's always next month. There's always adoption. Yes, I know that they are just trying to comfort me. But, this advice comes from people who don't know the pain. They think they are comforting, but instead they are driving the dagger deep into my bleeding heart. At Genesis, we were reading an article about appropriate etiquette when talking to couples who are experiencing fertility issues: it says, "Would you tell a breast cancer patient, 'It's OK. We'll just get you a new breast.' So why would you tell someone who can't have kids of their own to adopt. Funny, when it's put in that light.... =)
Oh well, I thought I would be strong enough to go enjoy my friends' company tonight. But with my emotionally instabililty, I did not feel right to burden them with my insecurities and sadness. I also know I am not ready to face my demons full force... yet... So friends, please do not take my absence tonight as an offence. I will be back one day... =)
Well, that's enough writing for today.
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